Wishful Thinking

Originally seen on SparklyAura.com Written by Kristen Estep

Do you ever get a little bit cocky when you are feeling well? I know I do. Sometimes when you are feeling good, you almost forget about the beast. I get glimpses of my old life, my life before chronic migraine, and I start to foolishly think that I am beating this! I feel like I can fall back into my old routines, which were crazy busy, and keep up with people in general. I start making plans like I used to. I used to love going and doing all of the time. I start to think about the friends I have neglected over the last three and a half years and how I’m going to reconnect with them. I begin thinking about my family and the distance this beast has put between us and how I’m going to be there for them again. I will begin to be the wife; mother; sister; daughter; friend; co-worker that everyone expects from me, because I always used to give my all to them.

And then the beast rears his ugly head and I am smashed down to reality again. No more plans or routines, friends or expectations. Here we go again. In between bouts of vomiting and head smashing pain, there is crying. Even though crying makes the pain worse, sometimes it’s the only way to get out your absolute frustration at this disease. How is anyone expected to live and make a living with migraine? It takes so many things from you. The head searing pain is only one symptom of migraine disease. It disrupts my speech sometimes, I cannot even think of the words I want to say, so I sound like an idiot. Touch hurts me most of the time, hugs are not supposed to hurt, touching your skin is not supposed to hurt. My hair hurts, which sounds weird but it is true. My eyes and jaw hurt all of the time. Going to work is excruciating most of the time. I used to be a phenomenal multi-tasker, now too many things happening at the same time send my brain into overload.

So even though I have moments of wishful thinking, things aren’t changing. I have to accept that and be ok with being on the sidelines. I will keep working on accepting my limitations until I fully accept this. I only hope that there will still be people around me accepting me for the new less improved me.

The only good thing that has come from migraine is all of the wonderful people I have met online. These men and women in the migraine community are some of the most supportive, loving people that I know. We share in each other’s gains and losses. They completely understand what I am speaking of, even if you do not. I do hope that someday migraine will be understood by everyone, but until then I will keep speaking my truth.

*Disclaimer* This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding migraine and headache disease and all medical conditions.

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