Written by Fiona Nicolas and Graciously shared with Chronic Migraine Awareness, Inc.
It’s very personal and very unlike me but I felt the need to put certain feelings into words….
you are my closest friend. i say i never know when you are coming but you always show up to remind me when i don’t treat myself right.
and sometimes i guess you just miss me.
you are my closest friend, the one who knows me best. you play with me and tease me until you tame me.
pushing me to my limits and beyond, you are the prison in which an agonizing battle happens, a silent battle that no one but mirrors see.
a battle to remain calm and composed, to not let go, to not give in to you. I try to be strong, sometimes i even fight you with Gods, artefacts and poisons.
until i eventually collapse, weakened in my pride and surrender to you.
my body, my sight, my motor functions, my smell, my guts, my speech, my brain, my thoughts. you are my favorite torturer
after the wild beast takes control of me, unable to find sense anymore, i remain still, silent, motionless obeying you, waiting.
there’s no reason to fight anymore,
I always lose to you.
you fire a million voices and scenarios in my head that are more real than anything else around me.
I try to focus on the deafening beat of the throbbing blood underneath my skin.
like an electric octopus sucking the life out of me, just there, underneath my skin, nesting behind my eye, crawling on my skull.
even the tears feel the need to escape from my eye. and transform me into a joker, a 2 faced scary clown.
I want to cut my face open, slide my hand inside my skin and pull every inch of the hidden coward that you are out of me until nothing else remains of you
but then comes a thought, what if, too entangled in your embrace, my soul came out and left with you ?
Maybe one day i will learn to love you as much as you love me.
After all you are the one who knows me best ❤
Written June 2020; Paris, France