Written by Kristi Estep, Shared with Chronic Migraine Awareness, Inc.

I have been having a pretty bad flare for almost the last three weeks. I need to write to get these demons out of my head. I hope that I can start to purge the negative thoughts by writing this post.

The chronic migraine pain & symptoms are nothing new to me, I shouldn’t be surprised how long this flare has lasted, right?? Well I’m not, but before this particular flare I had been feeling pretty good (for a person living with chronic migraine). I had been functioning more normally, getting things done, running errands and such. I felt pretty content with myself. Then I was sidelined, again, with this damn beast! I find it harder to deal with these flares emotionally, since I do feel fairly normal more of the time now. So, I disappear.

There have been quite a few personal things that have happened and become stressors which I believe has really contributed to this flare. My emotions are all over the place and they are getting the better of me. Also, the heat & humidity are adding fuel to this fire. I’m just so beat down that depression & anxiety have reared their ugly heads once again. So, I disappear.

I really try to appear as though everything is fine & have perfected my ‘public face’. I need to keep that wall up because if I don’t, I will be a total mess. I had engrained in me, growing up, that no matter what is going on in your life when you are in public, everything is fine. Smile.

I disappear & deflect questions about how I am doing. I ignore and pretend I don’t hear or don’t care that people are making plans without me. In truth, I have canceled so many times that I’m not considered anymore, most of the time. So, I disappear and revert to the negative soundtrack in my head. I don’t want to engage in conversation because I would have to admit how I really feel. So, I disappear.

As I’m writing this, I am not certain that I will publish it, because I really don’t want pitied and I won’t talk about it with you. I know that I will work through this by myself because I always have, and I will smile for you no matter what I am feeling. The tears are trying to flow as I’m writing these words, so the wall is being put back up. My head is pounding again & I look like I’ve been in a fight with my swollen migraine face.

So, I will disappear again until I dig my way out of this rabbit hole. Hoping for better days soon. Stay safe everyone.


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